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The Oomph Girl
Author: Closet Fetishist

Written: Feburary 2nd, 2008

"You're fired! Get off my set!"

"But, Bill..."

"Get out!"

Saul rubbed his head as he slowly turned and left the set.

Bill continued storming through the set, looking for people to yell at. The assistant director, Joseph, followed closely.

"Bill, you can't just fire everyone. That's not gonna help anything."

"Shut up! I'm the director; I can do whatever I want!"

"Yes, you can but is it wise? I mean without a crew we are not gonna be able to finish this movie."

"If you haven't noticed, Joseph, we're not gonna be able to finish it as it stands right now!"

"Just relax, we'll figure it out."

"Sure we will and one day you'll win an Oscar."

"Mr. Wilder?"

"Yeah, what do you want?!" Bill screamed at the young boy.

"I...uh...was told you give you this."

The boy, his hands trembling, handed the note to Bill which he snatched. With that, the boy ran off as fast as he could.

Bill quickly scanned the note, "Goddamn it!"

"What is it?"

"The fan, the goddamn fan! Maintenance can't get it to work, fucking piece of shit!"

"What are we gonna do?"

"I don't know what we are gonna do, alright?! I don't know! I don't know!"


"What?!" Bill shouted as he spun around only to see Marilyn standing there.

He closed his eyes and repeated clenched his fists to calm down.

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"I was just wondering if we were getting started soon."

"Unfortunately, no. I'm afraid we are missing some things that we can't shoot without."

"Oh, poo. I got all ready and everything."

"I know, darling, I'm sorry," Bill then stopped and thought for a minute. "You know, okay, let's do it up to the skirt part and we'll just reshoot that another day."

"That's not gonna work, the studio schedule wants this scene in the can today," Joseph reminded him.

"Well I can't do it today without that fan."

"What's wrong?" Marilyn asked.

"Oh, the fan dear, we can't get the fan."

"I see, well can we at least practice the scene, Bill?"

"Sure, honey. Joe, is Tom ready?"


"Alright, everyone places! I want film in this camera, just in case alright."

"Fine," Joseph replied, before going off to make the arrangements.


Five minutes later, everyone was in place and ready.

"Alright, I want you to go from the top of the theater and then pan down to where Marilyn and Tom are standing and then track them to about here," Milton, the film's cinematographer, said, marking the ground with an 'X' in white chalk. "Then, Marilyn will say her line and then pan down to her legs, got it?" He asked his camera operator. "That alright with you, Bill?"

"What?" Bill said, he wasn't paying attention at first. "Oh yeah, fine, great. Let's get ready. Places!"

"This is scene 21, take 1, marker!"

"And action!" Bill yelled.

Like clockwork, the camera panned down from the top of the theater and to Marilyn and Tom.

"Didn't you just love the picture? I did, but I just felt so sorry for the creature; at the end." Marilyn said, delivering her lines perfectly.

"Sorry for the creature? What'd you want him to marry the girl?"

"He was kind of scary looking but he wasn't really all bad. I think he just craved a little affection, you know, a sense of being loved and needed and wanted."

"That's a very interesting point of view."

"Oh, do you feel the breeze from the subway?" Marilyn said as she took her position on the grate. "Isn't it delicious?"

Bill was about to yell cut on what was a perfect scene when something happened.


Marilyn had farted loudly and explosively, causing her skirt to rise up nearly parallel to her waist line.

"Oh god!" Tom yelled as he caught whiff of the horrible fart Marilyn released.

"I'm so sorry, I had beans and cabbage for lunch. Did I...can we still use that take Bill?"

"Cut," Bill yelled as he approached Marilyn.

He was taken aback a moment, the fart still lingered in the air and was slow to waft away.

"No, dear, that take should be fine. That was perfect; you made the skirt go up without the fan. That's...*cough*...impressive."

"You're not going to leave me farting in the movie, are you?!" Marilyn asked, embarrassed.

"Of course not, we'll take out the audio."

"Hey, Bill, I'm sorry I reacted to that, I should of..."

"Relax, Tom, I would have too; that was terrible."

"Hey!" Marilyn said, angrily.

"Just kidding, dear," as he turned and fanned the smell away from his nose. "Let's put this one in the can and go home, great job everyone."


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